The Third Agreement
“Don’t make assumptions”
There is some truth to be found in the old saying that “when you make an assumption you make an “ass of u and me“!
This follows on from our discussion of the Second Agreement in which we learned that there was no point in taking things personally as we all have very unique and different perspectives which can often result in unintended misunderstandings and dramas in our communications with others.
When we make an assumption about what someone else says or does we are literally superimposing our own perspectives over theirs and reaching conclusions based on those. It is not surprising therefore that when someone says “A,B, C” we assume they are saying “X,Y, Z”!
Its a bit like standing in an Art Gallery and looking at a modern free form painting and instead of making an objective study of the painting we subjectively interpret what we see. What we see can be dramatically different from what the artist intended unless of course the intent of the artist was to make a painting which evokes a purely subjective response.
This process is not unlike holding a mirror up in front of us and describing what we see! Its all a matter of perspective.
Is there any real surprise then that there is so much drama and conflict in our personal relationships? Much of the time when we attempt to communicate we seem to be a cross purposes.
Take for example a common family situation – a teenageer is at home playing video games while taking a break from exam study. We all know how beneficial it can be to have some down-time to relax and switch off particularly if we are mentally tired. Mum arrives home and being a good Mum wants her child to be successful and knows that will happen if the child has a good study discipline. She assumes that the teenager is just slacking around and is not focussed on study and she flies off the handle without letting the teenager explain. The teenager assumes that the Mother is just being difficult for the sake of it for whatever reason. Both get upset and storm off in different directions and don’t talk to each other for the rest of the day!
This is a good example of just how wrong we can get it by making assumptions. Okay so how do we avoid the assumptive trap?
To begin with we need to practice being more aware of ourselves and others and understand that we we see or hear isn’t necessarily what is being communicated particularly if our buttons are being pushed which is a sure sign of our projecting our stuff into the mix!
Next we need to not react immediately to what is seen or said – there is indeed merit in the old adage “always count to 10”. This will create a breathing space in which we can consider, clarify and seek further information about what is being communicated.
We are then better able to respond in a more positive and constructive manner. There may or may not be merit in the substance of the communication. You can then choose whether to act on it or ignore it.
ME – I prefer to be a thoroughbreed horse than an ASS! How about U?