I have been witness throughout my legal career as an employment lawyer to many unpleasant work place incidents between employer and employee and employee and employee however even I was surprised to hear in recent media reports that New Zealand has one of the worst records in the developed world for work place bullying.

While published statistics from public records disclose an unsettling and concerning trend those records are probably the tip of the iceberg. Many workplace incidents never make it to public forums and are settled behind closed doors.

What does this say about our culture?

I believe that this situation is symptomatic of a more systemic problem in “God’s Own”. While NZ has a world -wide reputation for having some of the best scenery in the world and being a country of natrual “purity” this I believe is a superficial red-herring. Should you choose to look closer “beneath that thin veneer of civilisation ” a more accurate and disturbing picture begins to emerge.

For a small isolated country NZ seems to have a systemic problem with violence. Every day we hear that crimes of violence are on the increase and our prisons are full to over flowing. It is difficult to reconcile this trend with our international reputation for taking a leading stand against the proliferation of nuclear weapons!

Why? Why? Why?

In my opinion part of the problem stems from the proliferation of violence against our children. Our children are our future. If we teach them that love = violence then is there any wonder that as adults this is how they respond to life’s challenges? There is still a significant level of support in NZ in the mis-guided belief that the only way to “control and educate” children  is through physical discipline and emotional bullying.Yet this belief flies directly in the face of what we know to be true –  children respond best to positive role modelling. If as a parent you model physical or emotional violence as an accepted response to challenges then as your children become adults you  should not be surprised that this is how they in turn respond to difficulties. This is a “no-brainer”.

Why then do we stick our heads in the sand and then raise our hands in horror when the next grizzly episode of violence assaults our senses?

As a parent myself I know well the challenges in raising children. There is no school of parenting. Maybe there should be? We learn through trial and error as we go along. We ususally start where our own parents left off. However, just because our children are small and defenceless do they deserve even less respect and attention than we do as adults?

As a way forward I suggest that if we were to start to take personal responsibility for ourselves and be the change that we seek in our own lives we can do our part to restore respect and peace in our society. We need to stop making excuses and blaming everything and everyone-else. The first step in the process is to respect and make peace with ourselves.

External violence in all its forms is symtomatic of our own inner violence against ourselves. Our ego’s are constantly critical – you’re stupid, you’re not good enough and so on……. Our relationship with ourselves will dictate how our external relationships will be. If you’re intolerant of yourself, constantly seek perfection and beat yourself up then guess what? Thats exactly how will you behave in other areas of you’re life.

Lets make peace with ourselves and then see how that first step impacts on everything-else.